


Peter Parker is a Goddamn Mess of a Hero

by Will_is_Trash



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: ADHD, Angst, Melt Down, Trans Peter Parker, adhd peter parker, the first chapter is more of set up for the story than anything
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-03-13 19:42:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13577637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Will_is_Trash/pseuds/Will_is_Trash
Summary: Peter Benjamin Parker was a 15 year old trans boy, student at Midtown School of Science and Technology, a friend, a nephew, an ADHD mess, and...a sort-of part time Avenger?Peter plans on coming out...eventually. But not yet. He's not ready to be that open with the Avengers. Can you really blame him?





	1. Chapter 1

Peter Benjamin Parker was a 15 year old trans boy, student at Midtown School of Science and Technology, a friend, a nephew, an ADHD mess, and...a sort-of part time Avenger? Sure, half the team still didn’t know how old he was, and none of them knew he was trans (although a few liked to joke that he sounded like a little girl even though he had already started T) and maybe only, like, three people in the whole world actually knew he was both trans and Spider-Man. But Peter went to a genius school, he was struggling to keep his grades up in said genius school, and to top everything off, he was trying to get diagnosed with ADHD. It was an unnecessarily complicated process thus far, and it came with a whole new layer of angst.  


But Peter didn’t like to think about the bad stuff. Sure, he often did just that when he was capable of forming complete thoughts, but he still didn't like it. Simple assignments took him entirely too long to complete, he was falling behind in math and science, even though they were two of his favorite subjects, his personal hygiene had been suffering for years-he showered maybe twice a week if he was lucky (because showers weren’t a priority in his jumbled up brain, and even when he wanted to, he usually forgot a minute later, or just couldn’t seem to bring himself to do it.), he spent so much time doing nothing important or too much time as Spider-Man that he was convinced he didn’t have time to do his laundry when he absolutely did have time to do his laundry, he had stopped tinkering with old computers nearly as often as he used to even though he still loved it, and not only did he know that the whole population of kids at his school that were both aware of his existence and had opinions about him thought he was just some weird awkward trans kid, but he was also often convinced that he was annoying his two whole friends and carefully calculated his interactions with them entirely too much.  


And then there was his dysphoria, and the stress of being Spider-Man, and he really had only just lost his uncle about a year ago, with the anniversary only a couple months ago. So, yeah. Peter “Spider-Man” Benjamin Parker was not in a good place mentally. And probably not physically, either. He wasn't exactly taking care of himself.


	2. Chapter 2

It was a friday, and Peter had been told to bring his stuff for the weekend to school, because Happy would be picking him up right after school. To say that he was excited would be an extreme understatement-as would be saying he wasn’t nervous. The kid was so nervous. It had been a rough day at school already; everything felt louder and brighter and More all day, and he wasn’t exactly used to spending time with the Avengers yet, and he was already so mentally exhausted. And he was worried about passing. And probably overthinking his voice. It had been one of those days where he was extra aware of his voice anyway, and then he was thinking about how the Avengers like to tease him for his voice, and his brain had felt very staticy all day on top of it all. 

He needed a nap. Or a dark hole to hide in...forever? Oh well. He could handle this. He’d dealt with a damn building being dropped on top of him. He’d be fine. Really. Except by the time he got to the end of the school day, he had to take three trips out to the car because he kept forgetting something. First he came out with just the things he had in his hands at the end of the last class, then got halfway to the car before stopping and running back in to get the rest of his school stuff from his locker so he could do his homework over the weekend. Then he actually sat down in the car for a whole second before yelling suddenly that he forgot his stuff for the weekend, and ran back into the building without waiting for Happy to respond. He grabbed the duffel bag out of his locker, and this time remembered when he was about to open the door back outside that he had set his phone down in his locker in order to get the duffel bag unwedged from its spot on top of some books and under the little shelf. Finally, Peter took a moment to breath, and took a mental inventory of everything he needed. Finally satisfied, he rushed back outside and sat in the car, embarrassed and distracted and still overwhelmed. “You good kid?” Happy asked after a moment of silence. Peter just sighed and nodded, so Happy pulled out of the school parking lot and left towards the Avengers Compound.

Peter’s head was fuzzy. He was embarrassed the entire drive, and kept thinking that he should have just taken a moment to think before even leaving his last class. God, he was so tired. And overwhelmed. He was just. So. Overwhelmed. But he really was trying to stay on top of everything, even if it looked like he was lazy and unmotivated from the outside. Sometimes Peter would go down a rabbit hole and start thinking about how neurotypical people can just...do the things that they want to do. That they don’t experience the hours of convincing yourself that you really should just do it and the thing still never gets done. Or how they can realize that their friends aren’t totally interested in what you’re talking and not feel immensely guilty for annoying them and oh god they probably hate me, they’re just too nice to say anything, I should just stop talking to them so I don't annoy them anymore. Whenever Peter let himself think about these things too much, it somehow simultaneously made him feel worse for being different and for having a disability and also better about the things he can’t help. Like how he’s been bouncing his leg and picking at the skin under his right thumbnail for 20 minutes while staring blankly at the world rushing by as the car got closer and closer to the compound, and now that Peter was thinking about, he felt not only an urge to stop stimming, but also an urge to stim even more. But then he remembered that they were going to the compound. Where the Avengers live, where Captain America and Tony Stark and Bruce Banner and everyone else were working on a version of the accords they could all agree on. As in, the *entire* team would be there. Peter hadn’t exactly spent a lot of time just hanging out with the Avengers. This weekend was not only to work on his new training regimen, but also to let him get to know the team a little more. Which was absolutely terrifying. For a multitude of reasons which peter was then focusing on.

1)Spending this much time with highly trained spies meant it was increasingly likely that the whole team would soon know not only his age, but also his...gender.

2)If they knew his age, they might convince Mr. Stark to stop letting him be Spider-Man.

3)At the very least, everyone would treat him differently. Like a kid. And sure, Peter was actually a kid, but he didn’t want to be treated like someone who isn’t capable.

4)He had no idea how they would react to his being trans, and he was in no way ready to find out.

So, yeah. Peter was trying really hard not to start hyperventilating by the time Happy pulled up to the Compound. Peter could not handle this. Really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really am trying to get better at writing longer chapters. maybe I should stop putting it in google docs first. it looks alot longer in docs. 
> 
> well, as usual, i'm always ready for some constructive criticism, i really hope you like it so far!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A deep breath and some quick stretches, and he was out the door and following his nose down the hall for some dinner and a movie with his new...colleagues?

Peter was sitting in his room at the compound-which was still crazy to him-just thinking about how to handle binding. As a way to really introduce him to the rest of the team, Mr. Stark had decided to put together a movie night. So he was excited, but also very nervous. They were going to eat Chinese takeout and watch some cheesy super hero movie that Peter probably would have already seen with Ned at least once. Ned, Peter should text Ned. For advice, but also to clear his head a little.

**webby boi:**   _hey_

**ne(r)d:** _hey!! how is it! whats up! are you officially an avenger now!??_

**webby boi:** _its okay. im nervous to hang out with them. and no, im not technically an avenger (yet?)_

**ne(r)d:** _dude thats still so awesome though_

**webby**   **boi:** _yeah but were gonna watch a movie and idk if i can keep binding that long_

**ne(r)d:** _dude thats awesome! youre watching movies with the avengers!!!_ _  
_

**webby boi:**   _dude, focus_

**ne(r)d:** _youre right, sorry._

**ne(r)d:**   _take it off for now until you need to be around them, then put it back on for that? and like, take it off asap after the movie?_

**webby boi:**   _yeah, okay. good idea, thanks_

**ne(r)d:**   _are you ever gonna tell them?_

**...** _  
_

**webby boi:** _idk?_

* * *

Peter was sitting on his bed, drawing out an idea for a new webshooter design, totally in the zone-the outside world had completely gone to him- when a sudden knock on the door pulled him out that state. Before he knew it, he was crouched on the ceiling with his hands in the classic Spider-Man shape pointed at the door. Oops. He hopped down and pulled a giant sweatshirt on over his head and went over to the door. On the way to the door, though, he passed by a mirror; he looked at himself in the mirror, and decided that a slouch and crossing his arms would have to do for the moment. He opened the door, and there was Mr. Stark. Gulp. "Hey, Mr. Stark!", he squeaked. "Food's here, you coming or what?", Tony asked. "Y-yeah, I'll uh, I'll be right there", so Tony shrugged and walked back down the hall toward the communal living room area. Peter closed the door before rushing over to his bag and changed into his binder, and after a moment of consideration, he changed from jeans to his blue sweatpants and put back on Ned's hoodie that he may or may not have told him that he had already given back. A deep breath and some quick stretches, and he was out the door and following his nose down the hall for some dinner and a movie with his new...colleagues? __  
  



	4. Chapter 4

Okay so this is just a little announcement of sorts. I had plans for this, but if I'm honest Peter's ADHD is hugely based on my own and at this point I don't remember what those plans were. I'm really really sorry it's taken me this long to post. Basically: if anyone has any ideas, headcannons, etc. That they would like me explore here, let me know on the comments!

I've received so much wonderful feedback on this story and I really really appreciate it, but I'm genuinely stumped. Help a first time writer out! Who knows, maybe your ideas will help me remember what my original plan was? 

Thanks!  
Will


	5. Chapter 5

Okay. Peter was watching a movie with the Avengers. He can handle this… except he forgot to put on his mask. Shit. He ran back to his room, pulled on the mask, and ran back out toward the communal area. The rest of the avengers were standing around the table, figuring out who had ordered what, and dishing out an obscene amount of Chinese food. Seriously, these people must eat so much food. It suddenly occurred to Peter also eats an insane amount of food with his new heightened metabolism, and had not taken into account how hungry he would be by now when telling Mr. Stark his order. Shit. 

He made his way over to the table, where Stark just shoved two plates of food in his face. He took it, and found that Tony had already dished out Peter’s food, plus some. He blushed a little, then followed Clint and Bucky to the couch. Oh. My. Gods! Bucky’s arm was seriously so cool now that he had a chance to actually look at it. Bucky must have noticed him staring, because he said, “You seemed pretty impressed with it last time. Dude, you are freakishly strong, how’d you catch it back there?”. Okay. Cool. Peter already knew the Avengers had officially made up, and that everyone was under one roof again, but damn. Bucky Freaking Barnes was grinning at him and asking about his abilities! “Oh! Well, I think I have the proportional strength of a spider now? Which is apparently a lot. I actually was wondering how that works? Because you were obviously stronger than most people-is that all the arm or do you have some sort of Super Soldier thing too? And how does it work? Does it have thermoregulation? Because that thing would get insanely hot to touch in the summer right? Actually, wouldn’t it freeze the parts of your shoulder toughing it in winter, too? I have pretty bad thermoregulation these days, and it is way more important than you think. Last winter, I couldn’t leave my room for a solid week. My A-uh, roommate thought I was dying or something. But really Spiders just can’t thermoregulate at all!”

Shit. he totally just talked waaayyy too much. Mr. Stark was laughing at him, and bucky was just. Sort of. Eating, and chuckling at Peter’s outburst. Great. “Dude, Tony, how young is this guy? He sounds like a middleschooler!”, Clint chuckled. Peter’s face went so hot at that he was relieved it was covered by his mask in that moment. “First of all, not middleschool. Second, secret identities exist for a reason, no way am I answering that kinda thing. I know you, and you’re just trying to snoop.”, Tony responded, sitting down next to Peter. Clint just grumbled and shoved some rice in his mouth. 

Soon enough, everyone was sitting around the huge tv, debating what to watch. Peter was just in awe that he was about to watch a movie with the Avengers!! Apparently they decided on some cheesy superhero movie they could all laugh at for being inaccurate, and everyone settled in for the movie. Once everyone thoroughly had their attention on the screen, Peter lifted just enough of his mask to eat. The food was delicious, and apparently he was starving. Everyone was ranting about the movie, talking about how ridiculous the characters’ costumes were, or critiquing their fighting techniques. Peter had already finished his enormous pile of food, and had somehow wound up perched on the back of the couch. Soon he really would just want to be upside down.

Peter was fidgeting uncomfortably, trying to resist the urge to hang from the ceiling. Mr. Stark noticed, though, because of course he did, and whispered discreetly to the boy next to/behind him on the couch. 

“What’s wrong, kid?”  
“Huh? Oh, nothing! I’m great!”  
“I’m not blind, you’re practically shaking. what’s wrong?”  
“Oh, um… Would it be weird if I watched from the ceiling?”  
“Weird? Yes. Unwelcome? No.” 

And so, after a little bit more internal battling, Peter aimed his web shooter at the ceiling directly above him, and pulled himself up. Once he was comfortably situated, he was able to turn his attention back to the movie. Those costumes really were unpractical. Once the movie was over, though, Peter was exhausted from the stress of hanging out with his heroes, so he excused himself and started walking back to his room. 

On the way there, though, he heard Sam say his name. He was far enough away that he really shouldn’t be able to hear their conversations, but enhanced senses don’t care about logic. “Man, Tony, that kid was totally stressed. He okay?” “Yeah”, Mr.Stark said, “Just a little freaked about hanging out with us I think. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but we’re kind of a big deal to the youths.” Peter could practically hear the eyes rolling at Mr. Stark, but he didn’t care because what came next scared him too much. “Does he spend a lot of time on the ceiling? Oh don’t shrug at me! It’s weird!” Oh no. They hated him. He was too weird, and now the Avengers hate him. “Eh, part of being a spider I guess. He likes being upside down. I mean- how many times do you see a spider on the floor versus the ceiling?”. Mr. Stark was defending him. Wow. Apparently, it worked, because Sam agreed and moved on to a new topic. Peter was relieved, and embarrassed, and so so tired, though, so he just kept walking and went to get ready for bed.


End file.
